


Why we hate Gwen

by IantoIStheBEST



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alien Ianto, Gwen Bashing, Gwen is probabaly extremely out of character, Ianto is epic, Ianto is the Master's and the Doctor's son, It's how I see her, Like out of the park Gwen Bashing, M/M, No I mean extreme Gwen Bashing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 16:48:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 10,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IantoIStheBEST/pseuds/IantoIStheBEST
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Also posted on Fanfiction.net but I wanted to spread the love. A series of short fics about Torchwood in which Gwen makes a fool of herself and Janto is in love. It is more Humor than anything else, not to be taken seriously. Prompts are always welcome, really they're like cupcakes or Ianto's coffee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gwen

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Torchwood, As you can guess from the story it would be really different if I did. Enjoy the Gwen bashing fest.

Jack sighed this meeting was getting boring. Owen and Martha were debating using a complicated medical language. So far all he had understood was ‘a dead guy’ from Owen. Tosh was pattering away on her laptop.  
“Ianto! I want coffee.” Whined Jack.  
“But Sir.” Drawled Ianto, “You’ve already had three cups in the last thirty minutes.”  
“So!” Jack pouted. Ianto sighed.  
“Your normal?” asked Ianto.  
“Yep!” Jack smiled for the first time in the last half hour.  
“Ianto; I’ll have some too. Thanks sweetheart.” Called Gwen from where she sat. Texting.  
“Sure. Anyone else for coffee?” There was a chorus of yeses from the other three.  
“Owen. You can’t drink with your… condition.” Chided Martha.  
“Shove off!” He yelled.  
“Owen; calm down. It isn’t her fault.” Tosh whispered reassuringly.  
“Yeah. It’s not. It’s Jack’s fault.” Growled Owen.  
“Owen.” Jack paused; pinching the bridge of his nose. “I had no idea it was going to react like that. I’m sorry.” He said the last part in a whisper.  
“Jack, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.” Soothed Gwen.  
“It fucking is!” yelled Owen.  
“Owen!” Ianto’s voice rang out. Everyone turned and stared. It was very rare for Ianto to raise his voice. He continued in his usual whisper. “Everyone. Let’s calm down. No one knew, not even Jack, how the gauntlet…” Jack cut him off with a stare. Gwen smiled triumphantly; the way the tea boy was going, Jack would soon be hers. Ianto sighed.  
“How the risen mitten would react. It was no one’s fault. However on the bright side Owen is still round to swear and deliver cutting comments.” Ianto finished sarcastically.  
“Sorry Ianto.” Muttered Owen.  
“Hey. Cheer up. You’ve still got Mr. No-One to blame.” Ianto smiled. Even Owen had to grin at that. 

Gwen, the only one not to smile, cleared her throat. “Come on guys. There has to be an alien somewhere.” She called out.  
“Well at least we now know where a really annoying person is.” Muttered Owen. Loudly.  
“Where?” asked Jack innocently. Too innocently.   
“I have no idea Jack. Owen where is … she?” asked Martha, picking up the joke.  
“Ianto. Guess where the annoying… girl, is.” Owen invited. Ianto sent Owen a don’t-involve-me glare but played along any way.  
“Hum. Well it isn’t Tosh she’s too clever. The same goes for Martha.” Stated Ianto.  
“Janet!” yelled Gwen.  
“No Gwen. It isn’t Janet.” Replied Owen, smirking.  
“No.” smiled Gwen Happily. “I guessed we were really bored, so I let Janet loose.”  
“Shoot.” Jack yelled. “Tosh where is she?”  
“Um…well…” Tosh stuttered into silence. Owen looked over her laptop.  
“She is in…” he trailed off looking frightened. He glanced at Ianto. Decaf in his head. “Ah …well…”  
“Jack.” Gwen pulled the laptop over to her. “She is in D15.”  
“That’s the archive… oh.” Jack trailed off as well. Ianto looked fit to burst.  
“YOU! Let a weevil loose in MY ARCHIVES! MY CAREFULLY ORGANIZED ARCHIVES!!!” Ianto was pretty much screaming.  
“Hey. Don’t shout.” Gwen pouted. “Jack; you can’t let him treat me like that!”  
“You did let a weevil loose Gwen.” Chided Jack.  
“Yeah. And we are no longer bored. I’m a genius. You should all be thanking me.” Gwen stated.  
“Thanking you? Are you insane! You’ve let a dangerous alien loose!” Martha sounded incredulous.  
“Jack. Make her stop!” Ordered Gwen. Jack sighed.  
“Martha...” Jack started  
“Jack! You can’t stand up for her!” Martha interrupted.  
“Look. It’s hard to keep her under control. People yelling at her doesn’t help. Gwen is a great agent. Give her a break.” Jack said. Laugh gone from his voice. Ianto looked like a kicked puppy. Martha noticed the look Tosh and Owen shared and how they both glanced sympathetically at Ianto.   
“Jack! Word please! In private!” ordered Martha Furiously.  
“Ooh. Jack I would watch out if I were you.” Said Gwen.  
“OK then; not in private! Right here! Right now!” Martha looked like an avenging goddess. “You! Jack Harkness, you are going to listen to me. I want no interruptions. That includes the rest of you too. Jack, are you dating Gwen? You can answer.” She ordered.  
“Um. No. I’m not dating her. She’s married.” Stuttered Jack. Looking completely frightened.  
“He’s dating Ianto.” Interrupted Owen.  
“He’s not.” Stated Ianto.  
“Oh. Have you finally dumped him?” asked Owen.  
“No. We were never going out.” Ianto stated. His voice wavered.  
“We are. What did you call the cinema trip? I thought that was a date.” Jack shook his head, as if trying to dislodge a fly. Gwen looked furiously at her lap   
“No. that was a ploy to get me into bed.” Stated Ianto, he walked out quickly, close to tears.  
“Guys?” Jack sounded like a scared child.  
“What, Harkness?” snapped Owen  
“Someone is trying to take over my mind. They’ve already succeeded once. Help!” Jack was still shaking his head.  
“Oh shoot. Tosh run a scan.” Ordered Gwen.  
“I already have. Owen stun her.” Tosh replied.  
“Who is it Tosh?” asked Gwen. Ianto Crept up behind.  
“I’ll take care of that then.” He grabbed the device from Gwen’s lap. “I told you. Don’t move the artifacts from the Archives.” Gwen pouted.  
“I didn’t know it was taking over Jack.” Whined Gwen.   
“And that is exactly why you have written in everything you wanted him to be saying.” Finished Ianto.  
“Yani. Turn it off.” Moaned Jack. “I don’t know how to. Tosh; here.” Ianto handed it over to Tosh. He then took out his stun gun and zapped Gwen.  
“Sorry. Wanted to do that for a while.” Ianto Smirked. Jack relaxed suddenly; like a puppet’s strings being cut. Ianto winced. That simile was too close to reality for his liking.

“Thanks Tosh. Ianto.” Jack turned to him. “Come here.” He ordered. Ianto wandered over. Looking at Jack’s feet.  
“Yeah,” He whispered.  
“A ploy. I’m not that shallow.” Jack stood up and pulled Ianto into a hug.  
“You are amazing. We are dating. You are my gorgeous boyfriend.” Jack paused and pulled back so he could see Ianto’s face. “You are not second choice to Gwen… I love you.” He whispered the last bit. Ianto smiled.  
“I love you too.”   
“Ianto, did you take care of Janet?” asked Tosh. Ianto paled.  
“Shit!” He ran out at full pace.  
“Tosh you ruined the moment.” Sighed Martha. Tosh shrugged.  
“Jack’s got to work for Ianto.” Jack smiled at her.


	2. Gwen ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry the chapter name get better after this.

“Jack!” Ianto’s voice rang out through the hub.  
“What does the tea-boy want?” grumbled Owen. “Some of us have headaches.”  
“It’s called a hangover Owen.” Said Ianto over the comms. “Where’s Jack?” he asked.  
“Um. He’s weevil hunting.” Replied Tosh.  
“Him and Gwen. They left in a hurry.” Commented Owen.  
“Ok. Can you tell Jack to go to his office when he gets back? He has paperwork.” Ianto switched his comms off and hurried, not run, down to the archives.  
“Owen! Why did you say that? God knows what he now thinks!” Tosh hissed.  
“The truth.” Stated Owen. Tosh sighed.  
“Jack isn’t cheating on Ianto. He wouldn’t dare.” Replied Tosh.  
“Jack would dare to do anything.” Snapped Owen.  
“Dare to do what?” Jack asked, coming through from the garage.  
“Nothing.” replied Tosh. She glared at Owen. He grumbled his agreement.  
“Tosh could you run a scan. Gwen is bringing in our friend and I don’t think he was alone.” Tosh nodded. “Where’s Ianto? He needs to prepare a cell for our friend. Owen I need you to go get Ianto and then look over Gwen, I think she might be hurt.” Jack started to his office when Ianto came out of the archives.  
“Ianto. I need you to prepare a cell. Also some of your coffee wouldn’t go amiss.” Ianto nodded and headed towards the kitchen.  
“Ianto dear. I believe Jack told you to prepare a cell first.” Gwen said.  
“Already done. Where’s the weevil?” he replied smoothly.  
“Owen’s got it.” Gwen flicked her hair and went up to Jack’s office. Ianto sighed and opened the comms.  
“Owen?” he enquired.  
“Yeah.” Owen’s voice sounded strained.  
“Cell is ready. Next to our lovely blowfish.”  
“Good.” There was a slam of a door. “There better be coffee when I get up there.”  
“Hurry ‘cause it’s almost ready.” Owens comms cut out. Ianto chuckled and put the cups on a tray.  
“Here you are.” Stated Ianto, when he handed Tosh her coffee. She smiled at him. Owen ran up the stairs and into the med-bay. “Tosh, can you look at Jack’s office’s CCTV for me? You know; to warn me.” Ianto whispered. He headed over to the med-bay to give Owen his coffee. Tosh frowned and followed Ianto.

“Cheers mate.” Owen grabbed his coffee.  
“Hot.” Ianto warned. Owen took a gulp.  
“Lovely.” Owen stated.  
“Ianto!” Tosh was close to yelling. Owen winced.  
“Yes Tosh.” Ianto answered smoothly, spinning round.  
“You can’t believe that!” Tosh was now yelling. “Jack wouldn’t do that!”  
“Yes he would.” Stated Ianto.  
“Do what?” Asked Jack wondering down from his office.  
“Nothing,” muttered Ianto. Tosh and Owen sighed in unison.  
“That you aren’t cheating on Ianto.” Tosh answered.  
“That you are cheating on Ianto; with Gwen!” stated Owen angrily. Jack looked aghast. He turned to Ianto.  
“Don’t you dare believe him!” Jack pulled Ianto into a loose embrace.  
“Jack.” Whined Gwen, finally coming down from Jack’s office. The top button of her top was undone. “You said you would be right back. It’s been ages.”  
“Gwen go review that file. I’ll come back in five minutes.” Said Jack in a strained voice.  
“See Jack.” Owen smirked evilly. “Don’t lie. It only comes back and bites you in the arse.” Owen shoved past Jack and left the med-bay. Gwen sauntered up to Jack’s office.  
“Wow! Someone’s desperate!” exclaimed Jack.  
“Pardon?” Ianto replied.  
“Ianto. I am NOT cheating on you. Especially not with Gwen. I don’t even LIKE her! I love you!” Ianto smiled and kissed Jack.  
“Love you too.”


	3. Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really short chap, sorry guys. I wrote this the day before I had an operation so I was too nervous to write much but I wanted to get the story down.

“Guys.” Gwen tapped her comm again. “Come on guys.”

Half way across Cardiff

“Where’s Gwen?” asked Jack strolling into the main belly of the hub. Tosh looked up from the keyboard she was typing on.  
“Weevil hunting with Ianto.” She replied.  
“Wasting our time.” Muttered Owen acidly not bothering to stop playing with his rubix cube.  
“Well, Ianto’s in the kitchen making coffee.” Jack spun on his heel. “Ianto!”  
“Yes sir.” Ianto’s head popped round from the kitchen.  
“Why aren’t you with Gwen?” Jack ordered.  
“Because the weevil is downstairs in a cell. I caught it myself over an hour ago. Gwen was late.” At that Ianto turn and went back into the kitchen.  
“What’s the problem with the teaboy?” exclaimed Owen.  
“Ianto has a thing for timing.” Replied jack offhand-ly.  
“Should we go fetch her?” enquired Tosh.  
“Nar. She’ll be fine.” Answered Jack.  
“No she won’t. and she’s left her comm here.” Retorted Owen.  
“So” Jack wondered off. Into the kitchen.


	4. Hair?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short one, they will get longer. Heidi Matthews is a made up character sorry for anyone with that name.

“Gwen?” Jack ventured.  
“Yes Jack?” She replied over sweetly.  
“Ummm… What happened to your hair?” He asked.  
“I’m glad you like it.” She answered, non-sarcastically, as she admired her reflection in the glass of the boardroom table. Owen snickered as both Tosh and Ianto tried to be polite and not laugh.  
“Well… Let’s be honest…” Jack trailed off unable to complete his sentence. Both Tosh and Owen were giggling now. Ianto remained silent, while Gwen remained oblivious.  
“I think it suits me.” Stated Gwen.  
“Gwen.” Owen cut across “What on earth possessed you to cut your hair off?” Gwen finally stopped admiring her impressively shiny bald head in the glass table in order to glare at Owen.  
“Well.” Gwen replied haughtily. “I’ll have you know that my favorite celebrity had her hair done like this.”   
“You mean Heidi Matthews?” asked Ianto breaking his silence, surprising everyone.  
“Yes! She is amazing.” Replied Gwen gushing.  
“THE Heidi Matthews…” Ianto paused as Gwen nodded furiously.  
“The one who died of cancer after having a failed radiotherapy. Last week.”  
“She’s DEAD!” Gwen let out a wail and ran out of the boardroom. Jack turned to Ianto and grinned.  
“You’re evil, you know that?”  
“Of course I know it. I practise regularly. Does it show?” He replied innocently, collecting the coffee cups and heading towards the door.  
“Defiantly.” Stated Jack as Ianto walked out of the boardroom, eyes firmly on Ianto’s bottom.


	5. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know UNIT doesn't run Torchwood but they needed to for this story.

“Where’s Ianto?” asked Gwen sweetly.  
“Why?” asked Owen, not really listening to her.  
“Cause I’ve got a file for him to archive and I’ve just had to talk to Unit and need to call them back.” Answered Gwen, getting impatient. Why couldn’t the tea-boy get here and do the bloody paperwork ‘cause that’s his job and I shouldn’t waste my time on it thought Gwen. She sighed.  
“Jack!” she called up the stairs to his office.  
“Gwen. Jack’s out and its Ianto’s day off.” Answered Tosh.  
“No wonder he wasn’t getting me coffee. Why does he get a day off? He does the least work. All he does it sit around making coffee and bring bloody world destroying robots into our top secret base. Even with so little work he still doesn't do the paperwork or man the bloody cover.” Ranted Gwen.

“He gets half a-day off, at the same time as me, ‘cause we went to his family dinner/get together.” Jack cut Gwen off as the invisible lift grounded to a halt. Gwen had been so absorbed in her rant that she hadn’t heard the lift come down.  
“And it’s raining.” Said a sopping wet Ianto. Owen smirked at the look on Gwen’s face.  
“Ianto has a very important job. Without him Unit would’ve shut us down. He single-handedly, while at a family meeting, managed not only to stop them shutting us down but extending our budget. You should thank him.” Stated Jack proudly. Ianto coughed loudly.  
“There was one condition on keeping us open.” Stated Ianto.  
“What?” asked Jack looking worried. Unit would probably want to hire Ianto. He couldn’t leave!  
“You have to…” Ianto got out his notebook and flicked to the right page, Jack paled further. “Sack ‘the idiotic, stupid welsh woman,’ who called them earlier.” Replied Ianto smoothly. Jack breathed a sigh of relief; they weren’t taking Ianto away from him.  
“Who’s that?” Asked Gwen stupidly.  
“You.” Smirked Owen.  
“Gwen, pack your bags.” Ordered Jack.  
“Noooo.” Cried Gwen.

Then Ianto shot her with a stun gun.


	6. Palm tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now this one is really short. but the next one is a lot longer.

“Yani.” Jack ran down the stairs after him.  
“What?” snapped Ianto, stopping suddenly at the bottom of the stairs. Jack piled into him knocking them to the ground.  
“Yani, I’m sorry. Please.” Jack made puppy eyes at Ianto.  
“No.” stated Ianto, trying to push Jack off him. “Jack! Let me up!” ordered Ianto.  
“You can’t order him about.” Stated Gwen protectively.  
“Certainly does…” Jack started until Owen cut him off.  
“Don’t need to know!” he snipped as he finally walked out of the toilets. Tosh scurried to her desk when Owen shot her a smile.  
“See Yani; everyone else is wearing theirs.” Argued Jack.  
“When Martha said get your own uniform, I doubt she meant this.” Stated Ianto.  
“SO!” Jack pouted. Ianto sighed.  
“Jack, under no circumstances am I going to dress as a BLOODY PALM TREE!” Yelled Ianto.


	7. School bus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next few are joined up and an old friend come to stay

“Hey kids. What you got for me?” Jack grinned at his team. Three of whom scowled back.  
“Kids? Seriously?” Stated Owen.  
“Over a mark Jack.” Ianto reminded, shaking his head.  
“What?” asked Jack.  
“We are all over thirty.” Stated Owen. “You’re over 130 so none of us are kids.” Ianto coughed, interrupting Owen.  
“Yes Ianto?” asked Tosh kindly, guessing what he was about to say.  
“Twenty-six.” He stated.  
“What?” asked Gwen, extremely confused.  
“I’m twenty-six years old. Not over thirty, thank you Owen.” Answered Ianto.  
“Oh. Ok then, over twenty-five. Way to ruin my argument.” Mumbled Owen grumpily.  
“We’re all kids compared to Jack.” Stated Gwen sweetly.  
“Way to make me feel old.” Grumbled Jack.  
“Just saying that…” A huge crash drowned out the rest of Gwen’s sentence. The Torchwood team, minus Gwen, rushed out to the main deck. Myfawny was sitting on the source of the crash. A young man in a tweed jacket was jumping up and down; trying to dislodge Myfawny. 

“Jack!” The stranger called out. “Your pet is on my vehicle!”   
“Doctor?” Jack sounded incredulous.  
“Oh yes, New face. I regenerated.” Responded The Doctor.  
“We can tell.” Muttered Ianto. Jack shot him a look. He turned and raised an eyebrow at the Doctor.  
“Doctor how did you crash that there?” He asked.  
“Flew it through the rift. My TARDIS came through so I followed her.” Answered the Doctor.  
“But why that?” Jack re-asked.  
“Oh. After the flying bus incident in London I decided to give it another go but the rift opened up in here and your pet attacked my transport!” The Doctor replied.  
“Doctor?” Ianto asked.  
“Yes, Its Ianto isn’t it?” the Doctor replied cheerfully.  
“What Jack was meaning was; why have you flown a school bus through the rift and crashed it in our hub? Also you’re upsetting Myfawny.” Stated Ianto.  
“What? Who’s Myfawny?” retorted the Doctor looking round. Ianto sighed and whistled. Myfawny lifted her head from trying to eat the bus, flew over and landed next to Ianto.   
“It’s ok sweetheart. The mean bus won’t hurt you.” At that Ianto brought out a bar of chocolate and gave it to Myfawny.  
“Also you haven’t answered the question and she is MY pet not Jack’s.” said Ianto directed at the Doctor.  
“I was being chased and that is not your average dog.” The Doctor stated. Finally Gwen ran up to the main deck.  
“What’s happened?” she asked cluelessly. The Doctor stared at her.  
“Who is this?” he asked Jack.  
“Um…” Jack didn’t reply.  
“A patient.” Replied Owen.  
“Of a local mental institution added Tosh.  
“She’s just visiting.” Finished Ianto.  
“Yeah.” Stated Jack. “Come on Gwen. Let’s get you back to your…room.”


	8. The Pyramids of Giza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes the pyramid idea is from Despicable Me.

The Doctor seemed very very upset that Jack couldn't find the TARDIS. Ianto reiterated that point when the argument got onto the third hour. When objects started to fly he decided that it was, in actual fact, a huge understatement. So he decided to intervene.   
“Um…” Ianto tried to interrupt Jack and the Doctor’s argument.  
“You have the technology. Find my TARDIS!” the Doctor yelled.  
“Excuse me?” Ianto asked.  
“Shut it Ianto. Doctor, we haven’t seen your TARDIS. We are searching.” Jack stated.  
“Guys stop arguing!” ordered Owen.  
“NO!” yelled the Doctor and Jack simultaneously. Tosh passed Ianto her PDA, he sighed in defeat. He picked up his phone and called someone  
“Something important has come up.” Added Tosh quietly.  
“Not as important as my TARDIS.” Stated the Doctor.  
“Well…” Tosh trailed off under the Doctor’s stare.  
“Actually, it is.” Stated Ianto. As the Doctor’s stare flicked to Ianto, he shrugged. “You might want to take the call, Jack. It’s the president of America. He is understandably upset as he has just had a call from the president of Egypt, blaming him for the disappearance.”   
“What disappearance?” asked the Doctor.  
“Ditto that.” Added Jack.  
“Well if you both kept up with the news, you would know that the pyramids of Giza have been taken and swapped for giant inflatable versions.” Answered Ianto. “Oh and Tosh, can you stop the slitheen ship from breaking orbit?”  
“Of course I can.” Replied Tosh.  
“What? The Slitheen took the pyramids? That isn’t their style.” Stated the Doctor.  
“No they didn’t take the pyramids of Giza. That was my dad. The Slitheen took your TARDIS.” Answered Ianto.  
“Your DAD?!?”


	9. Satsuma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another short one but hey that's the point of short stories

“Yes Jack; my dad. Evil overlord or whatever he calls himself nowadays.” Replied Ianto.  
“You found my TARDIS!!!” Cheered the Doctor.  
“Yes; but give credit to Tosh.” Replied Ianto.  
“Yeah. She caught the bad guys!” Stated Owen. Tosh blushed bright red.  
“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you again Dr. Sato.” Said the Doctor.  
“I’m not really a doctor. Owen couldn’t make it so I covered for him.” Tosh replied quietly.  
“Should be a professor with her brains.” Interrupted Owen.  
“Ianto! Will your dad give the pyramids back?” Jack questioned.  
“Well he gave America their nuclear missiles back eventually. It really depends on his mood. I’ll call him.” Answered Ianto.  
“You do that. Also can I have a cup of tea?” Asked the Doctor.   
“Of course.” At that Ianto got up and walked out. 

“Always feel better after a cuppa.” Stated the Doctor, finishing off his cup of tea.  
“We have an incoming inter-conference call.” Stated Tosh.  
“Between who?” asked Jack.  
“The President of America, the President of Egypt, UNIT and us.” Answered Tosh.  
“Wow! Two presidents!” Cheered Owen.  
“They must really like you.” Stated the Doctor.  
“Or they are using us as a threat.” Replied Jack darkly. That was the point the inter-conference call popped up. The large screen was split into four. One of these screen parts was off.  
“Hello Torchwood. You have heard of the current predicament, I presume?” Asked the American President.  
“Yes sir, we have.” Stated Jack formally.  
“Do you know where the pyramids are?” demanded the Egyptian President.  
“No, but we know who took them.” Stated Jack.  
“Who?” enquired the American President. Just then the last segment of the screen fizzed into life.  
“Oh sh-…Satsuma.” Stated the Doctor.


	10. Avocardo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you've managed to survive this long well done.

“Avocado to you.” Replied the person on the screen. Jack froze. The Doctor gaped. Ianto sighed.  
“Dad, when I said I’d call you I meant on my mobile.”  
“But I was bored. I’ve already been round the pyramids five times, inside and out. I’ve even translated the hieroglyphs. All of them.” He stated stroppily.  
“Your dad… is the Master!” yelled Jack.  
“Oh yey. It’s Freak. Just who I wanted to see.” stated the Master drily.  
“Dad!” exclaimed Ianto sharply.  
“What?” he asked.  
“Leave Jack alone.” Replied Ianto frostily.

“Master.” The Doctor interrupted. “Why did you take the pyramids?”  
“ ‘Cause I went all the way to Egypt to see the pyramids. Then I couldn’t see them because of the huge queue and I wasn’t allowed inside. So I decided to take them. I won’t give them back until I get a guided tour!” responded the Master.  
“I’m sure the President of Egypt won’t mind. But you’ll have to return the Pyramids.” Reasoned Ianto.  
“We won’t reason with thieves like you English.” Stated the Egyptian president.  
“Oooo. Big mistake.” Muttered the Master. Ianto scowled.  
“I think you’ll find I am Welsh. Do you want your pyramids back or not?” Jack smirked at this.  
“Of course. But we do not bargain with thieves.” The Egyptian screen went blank.  
“They weren’t exactly huge demands.” Reasoned Jack.  
“You are weak if you give up to thieves.” Stated the UNIT representative. Both their screen and the American screen went blank.  
“Just a thief, god knows one is more than enough.” Stated Jack.  
“Wait. You’ve forgiven him?” questioned The Doctor.   
“For the pyramids, yes. For the year, no. I just don’t want to lose Ianto over this.” Replied Jack.  
“Wait again. You’re dating HIM! Ianto, I thought you had better taste than THAT!” yelled the Master.   
“I have perfectly fine taste.” Argued Ianto.   
“Inter-galactic playboy.” Added Tosh. Owen cracked up.  
“No… Don’t say that in front of him…his ego is big enough already.” Stuttered Owen between fits of laughter.  
“What’s the joke?” whined the Master. Ianto sighed.  
“For anyone not in on the joke, Tosh said earlier that I’ve ‘bagged myself an inter-galactic playboy.’ If you get it.” Answered Ianto. Jack grinned.  
“Don’t you dare Harkness!” yelled Owen.  
“Didn’t realise you could read minds Harper.” Sniped Jack.  
“Well anyone can read you like a book.” Stated Owen.  
“Spoilsport.”


	11. TARDIS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning slight allusion to Mpreg but hey Time Lords can rewrite every cell in their body and a guy can't get pregnant?

“Ianto?” ventured Tosh.  
“Yeah.” He answered.  
“Where do you want me to land the slitheen ship?” she asked nervously.  
“Oh that. The bay will be fine. The TARDIS is water-proof.” He stated.  
“What Slitheen ship?” asked the Master.  
“The one you employed to steal the TARDIS.” Replied Ianto.  
“That was him!” yelled the Doctor.   
“Ok. It was me. Surprise.” Sighed the Master. Jack grinned.  
“Do try and sound excited.” Said Jack drily.  
“Didn’t ask your opinion Freak.” Sniped the Master.  
“Neither did I, especially on dating your son.” Replied Jack haughtily.  
“Jack, please.” Ianto laid his hand on Jack’s arm. “This is an argument you won’t win.” He whispered. Jack pouted.   
“Why are you so sensible?” he whined.  
“Fate.” Replied Ianto.  
“Really?” enquired Jack.  
“Nar. My dads are the cleverest beings in the universe; their insanities seem to cancel each other out.” Stated Ianto.  
“Dads?” questioned Owen.  
“Oops.” Murmured Ianto.  
“Idiot.” Hissed the Master.  
“Wait; who is your other dad?” asked the Doctor.   
“No question on the two part.” Sniped Owen. Tosh shushed him.  
“Um…” Ianto trailed off.

“It’s a secret.” Replied Tosh and the Master at the same time. The Master stared at Tosh.  
“He told you!” He yelled.  
“ Yes but I guessed first. And this was before I met you.” Stated Tosh.  
“Who is it?” asked the Doctor. Tosh looked at Ianto who nodded.  
“It’s obvious really. The irony is painful.” Answered Tosh.  
“ME!” Yelled the Doctor.  
“Yes you; now the whole of Cardiff knows.” Sniped Ianto.  
“You’re my son.” Stated the Doctor.  
“Correct.”  
“Mine and the Master’s son.”  
“Yes.”  
“When?” the Doctor’s voice cracked.  
“Time before last. He was the planner of the year.” Answered the Master.  
“Inventor. You completely butchered it. What happened to keeping the Doctor, and friends, away?” asked Ianto.  
“I was bored. Without you there was no intelligent conversation. I had to bring him in, for the remainder of my sanity.” Argued the Master.  
“Highlight remainder.” Injected Jack smugly.  
“Shush. No arguing over me. I don’t want an inflated head. Yours will suffice for everyone.” Calmed Ianto.  
“And then some.” Added Owen.  
“Didn’t know you cared so much about me to enter the argument over me.” Replied Ianto.  
“And miss a chance to annoy Jack, never.” Surprisingly this was Tosh. Ianto smiled. The TARDIS alarm sounded.  
“Even the TARDIS agrees.” Said the Doctor. “And I have a big, old, blue box to hug.”   
“HUG?!?” yelled the Master.


	12. Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short one

“Harkness! Come explain these bags!” yelled Owen. In his bunk Jack woke with a start.  
“Bloody hell. How did his voice travel down here?” the lump on his chest sighed and rolled over.  
“Don’t you dare get up.” Groaned Ianto.  
“Sorry, but I should go see what he is up to. Shove.” Replied Jack. Ianto groaned again and rolled off Jack’s chest.  
“Meany.” Stated Ianto.  
“You love me really.” Replied Jack  
“My actions say otherwise. I left the camping bags out. Just so you’ll get yelled at by Owen.” Supplied Ianto.  
“Why Yani?” whined Jack.  
“In punishment for waking me up.” Replied Ianto.  
“But you wouldn’t have woken up if Owen wasn’t yelling?” questioned Jack.  
“Actually I can sleep through Owen’s yelling, however if you get up I wake up and you get yelled at. Obviously.” Stated Ianto.  
“Oh. I’m not getting up.” Replied Jack, lying back down.  
“Good.”

TW TW TW

“Harkness! If we’re going camping again, I will kill you!”


	13. Mobile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: The Flapian machine can wipe specific memories, easier than retcon for large crowds.  
> Also if anyone knows where you can get a pet velociraptor please tell me!!! *puppy eyes*

“Jack. Here. Now.” Ianto’s voice managed to silence the panicking crowd. Jack grinned guiltily.   
“Yes Yani.” Replied Jack sweetly.  
“Why the hell have you taken so long!” Yelled Owen. Still trying to calm down the velociraptors. Jack shrugged.  
“I couldn’t use the SUV to transport the machine. I spent two hours and thirty minutes trying to find another way.” Supplied Jack.  
“Which machine?” asked Ianto cautiously. Jack tilted his head to one side.  
“The one you asked for.” Answered jack. Ianto frowned.  
“What? The Flapian one? Jack I meant it would be useful, not that we needed it.” Replied Ianto incredulously.  
“Ianto, we need all the help we can get. If it can help; we need it!” yelled Owen.  
“Owen, it weighs over 200 tonnes. It’s not exactly mobile. Also Jack, when we catch them can I keep a raptor? They’re so cute!” asked Ianto.  
“NO!” Yelled the three teammates simultaneously.  
“Why not?” asked Gwen.  
“It was a joke.” Exclaimed Ianto.  
“Why not?” repeated Gwen.


	14. Computer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause my computer doesn't like me, I mean who hasn't felt like Jack does.

The sound of cursing echoed around the hub. The four employees looked at each other. Silence.  
“What is Jack doing?” asked Ianto.  
“Well you’re down here so I have no idea.” Replied Owen.  
“He doesn’t sound happy.” Sighed Gwen. Three pairs of eyes fixed on her.  
“Seriously. We hadn’t guessed. Were you dropped on your head when you were a child?” sniped Owen.  
“Let’s not start that…” Tosh was cut off by the sound of a gun being fired, Jack’s Wembley.  
“Shoot.” Ianto yelled, before running up to Jack’s office. The others ran after him. Jack was standing in the middle of his office, smoking gun in hand, staring at the sparking black mess on the floor.  
“What?” asked Ianto. Jack sighed.  
“My computer wouldn’t work.”


	15. Kettle

The day hadn’t started well; Jack had called them all in at 3am. It had turned out to be an entire nest of weevils. After a few scrapes and bruises they escaped. So naturally when they returned to the plaza at 5am none of them were impressed to see an alien invasion in the hub.  
“Who are you and what do you want?” asked jack tiredly. The aliens, who really looked like a pile of jelly, sneered. And warbled. Ianto sidestepped into the kitchen area. The aliens warbled again, menacingly at Ianto.   
“Whoa! You lot calm down then we can all have coffee reasoned Owen. Tosh grinned.  
“That almost sounded like you care about Ianto.” She commented.  
“Care about Teaboy? No. Care about coffee after being awake from 3am? Defiantly!” exclaimed Owen. No one noticed Gwen approaching the aliens until…  
“Hello Mr Alien!” she exclaimed. “Do you come in peace?” In response the aliens pulled out laser guns. “Oh. So you do come in peace!” stated Gwen happily, smiling madly. “We can be best friends!” that was the moment that the aliens cocked their weapons and simultaneously exploded. Behind them was Ianto holding a now empty kettle.  
“Signatons; dangerous, aggressive and explode when they come into contact with hot water. Man, my mam was right, kettles solve every problem.” He stopped and looked around. “Except cleaning up alien goo.”


	16. Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now this is what I call super short

“Thanks Jack. Now we’re all trapped in this bloody cave!” yelled Owen.  
“Calm it Owen, any loud sounds can cause a second fall,” whispered Ianto.  
“So what do you suggest genius.” Snipped Owen. Ianto shrugged.  
“I’ve called the mountain and cave rescue services. They’re coming and apparently we’ll be out within the hour. So let’s sit tight and wait.” Replied Ianto. Owen opened his mouth to respond.  
“Well then, I suggest we play a game to pass the time.” Stated Jack, cutting off Owen’s, no doubt rude, retort.  
“Not hide and seek.” Interrupted Ianto. Tosh giggled while Jack pouted.  
“Spoilsport.” Moaned Jack.


	17. Apples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For that weird scene in one of the books when Jack is categorizing apples, you know the one I mean.

“Yani.” Whined Jack. “an we have a Chinese today. We’ve had Thai two days in a row.”   
“No.” replied Ianto.  
“Curry?” asked Owen.  
“No.” repeated Ianto.  
“Thai?” enquired Tosh.  
“No again.” Jack sighed in relief.   
“So what are we having?” he asked.  
“And don’t say surprise, tea-boy.” Sniped Owen.  
“Nope. We are having something healthy.” Replied Ianto. There were three groans.  
“What in particular?” asked Tosh, glaring at the others.  
“Fruit, salad, vegetables. And apples. Not the ones from your office Jack. And yes they are all the same type. They are all apples.” Replied Ianto


	18. Drink?

Jack was in the SUV. Driving like the devil was on his tail. He had had a phone call from Cardiff AE saying his team had been brought in. He silently cursed himself for giving into Ianto and going for a lie down. He slammed the SUV into a parking space outside the AE.

“Hello, the Torchwood team is here.” Stated Jack.  
“The Torchwood team?” asked the receptionist.  
“Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper and Ianto Jones.” Explained Jack, sending a silent prayer up to whatever deity was listening.  
“Yes they came in half an hour ago and only two were signed in. If you would follow me into the family room.” The receptionist led Jack into a small room. Tosh was inside pacing.  
“Jack!” she ran and hugged him. “Owen is in with Ianto. Gwen is in recovery at the moment.  
“What happened?” asked Jack holding onto Tosh’s shoulders.  
“It was Gwen…” Jack cursed loudly. “Jack please. Listen.” Jack sighed and sunk onto one of the chairs.  
“What happened?” Jack repeated tiredly. Tosh sighed and sat next to him.  
“We went out and tracked the signal to an alley. I couldn’t tell if it was sentient so Owen and I took one end and Ianto and Gwen took the other. When Owen and I got to the middle both Gwen and Ianto were on the floor and the alien had vanished. It turned out the alien had a faulty translator so when it tried to threaten them it came out; ‘do you want a drink?” Gwen stepped forward and accepted; the alien took this the wrong way and tried to shoot Gwen, but Ianto saved her.” Finished Tosh.  
“How is he?” asked Jack weakly.  
“He’s in surgery at the moment, Owen is with him.” At that Jack jumped up.  
“I want to see him.” He demanded. Owen came into the room.  
“He’s fine and out of surgery. I’ll take you to him.” He stated.

In the private hospital room, Ianto was lying, pale, on the bed. Jack sighed; he looked like a cyborg, there were so many wires coming out of him.   
“Yani, please don’t die. You can’t die. I won’t let you… You’re an idiot for saving Gwen. You’re so much more important than her. Please.” Jack sighed again and kissed Ianto on the forehead.  
“ ‘M not ‘n idiot.” Murmured Ianto groggily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone get the Monty Python, now for something completely different. Review if you did. Also review if you want me to explain it on the bottom of the next chapter.


	19. gargoyle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING- I am unsure of this chapter as it may conflict with some religious views but I have tried my hardest not to insult anyone, except maybe the gargoyle.

The Torchwood team were sat on a very hard pew in a small church. Getting told off by the vicar.  
“My children…” said the vicar in a tight voice. Ianto guessed they weren’t about to be blessed. “What were you doing in the churchyard?” asked the vicar.  
“Top secret.” Replied Jack fluently.  
“Nothing is a secret from god.” Responded the vicar.  
“Ok. But you aren’t god.” Replied Jack confused. “I’ll tell god if I ever see him.” Owen smirked.  
“Jack; if you die you’re going straight to hell.” Stated Owen.  
“And you’ll be there keeping me company.” Responded Jack instantly.  
“Yeah but Ianto will go to heaven.” Stated Owen.  
“I thought Ianto was gay. That’s against the rules.” Stated Gwen.  
“Yes Gwen.” Replied Ianto tiredly. “But I’ll buy my way into heaven by bribing god with my coffee.”  
“God cannot be bribed!” interrupted the vicar.  
“Well he hasn’t tried Ianto’s coffee.” Stated Owen.  
“Just tell me why one of the churches gargoyles is broken on the ground outside.” Demanded the vicar.  
“I shot it.” Mumbled Tosh.  
“Pardon?” inquired the vicar.  
“We were chasing a suspect. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. I shot it with my EMD.” Stated Tosh.  
“Oh, well I guess you can go then.” The vicar left.

“So why did you really shoot it?” asked Jack as they walked out of the church.  
“I didn’t; Ianto did. I covered as the church doesn’t like gays.” Replied Tosh.  
“Ianto?” questioned Jack turning to the man in question.  
“I thought it was a weeping angel.” Replied Ianto defensively.  
“A gargoyle. Seriously?”


	20. Vortex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next five are joined so enjoy and I’ll try and upload them together. Please note these are not connected to the others in the Gwen series so any adaptations to characters I have made in earlier chaps are undone.

Vortex /ˈvôrˌteks/  
Noun: A mass of whirling fluid, air or time, e.g. a whirlpool or whirlwind.  
Something regarded as a whirling mass.

Tosh was pattering away at her keyboard. Owen was playing some kind of shooting game. Gwen was staring into space, drooling a bit. Jack was in his office ‘doing’ his paperwork. Ianto came out of the archives. He paused.  
“Has someone died?” he asked seriously.  
“Nope. None of us can define vortex, so we’re sulking. UNIT asked us.” Stated Owen grumpily.  
“Vortex is a whirling mass of fluid, air or time.” Recited Ianto.  
“Ianto’s got it!” yelled Tosh in the direction of Jack’s office. Jack bounded out.   
“Really? Shouldn’t be surprised.” Replied Jack.  
“Why do you need it?” asked Ianto.  
“UNIT says we’re useless so they’ve decided to give us 5 tests. The first was to define vortex.” Responded Jack.  
“What are the other four tests?” questioned Ianto.  
“They won’t tell us now but at random times this week we’ll get the rest.” Supplied Tosh.  
“Idiots.” Stated Owen.


	21. Rift

Rift /rift/  
Noun: A crack, split, or breaks in something.  
Verb: To form a fissure, crack or break either in an emotional setting or through large scale faulting.”

This test came while the entire team were chasing a deadly alien. Jack had answered his phone and stopped dead when he realized it was UNIT. The rest of the team had piled into him.  
“BUNDLE!” yelled Gwen happily. Ianto raised his eyebrows.  
“Why don’t we just get rid of her?” He asked.  
“Lack of staff.” Replied Jack before he put the phone on loud speaker. “They can all hear you major.” He stated.  
“Ah, hello Torchwood team Cardiff. You’re next test is to define rift. Fitting, considering your job.” The tinny voice said from the phone.  
“The noun or the verb?” asked Owen, surprising everyone.  
“Both.” Replied the major. Owen nodded at Tosh.  
“Noun: a crack, split or break in something.” She responded. Owen smiled.  
“I’ll do the verb then. Verb: to form a fissure, crack or break either in an emotional setting or through large-scale faulting.” Added Owen.  
“Well done Torchwood…” the major was cut off by Ianto yelling:  
“Backs!” the alien appeared behind Gwen.  
“Boo!” the alien cackled then aimed to shoot at Gwen. Thump. The dull whack echoed through the alley. The alien fell to the floor.


	22. Maniputaltor

Manipulate -/məˈnipyəˌlāt/  
1\. To move, arrange, operate  
2\. To influence or managed shrewdly or deviously  
3\. To falsify for personal gain  
4\. Medicine: to handle or move

“Just saved your lives and I don’t get a single thank you. Lovely.” Stated John lowering the cricket bat. The Torchwood team stared aghast; except Gwen who clapped and yelled:  
“Vera!” John smirked.  
“That’s what I’m talking about. Any of you. Jack, Owen, Tosh, Eye-candy?” Ianto frowned. “Ok, not Eye-candy. Still. Ooh, let’s go back to your base.” John smiled. Jack smirked and led them back to the SUV.  
“You’re going to have to promise not to break anything. And that includes people.” Instructed Jack over his shoulder as they climbed into the vehicle.  
“Bagsy a seat.” Yelled Owen, practically diving into the SUV. “Tea-boy can go in the boot with the alien.”  
“Tea-boy can hear you and doesn’t approve of the nickname. I make coffee, seriously.” Replied Ianto, lifting the alien into said boot.  
“And you prefer Eye-candy?” asked John hopefully. Ianto shrugged.  
“Can’t boss you around.” He stated. Owen pouted.  
“Can’t boss me around!” he exclaimed. Ianto grinned evilly. He slammed the boot shut.  
“Decaf,” he murmured. Owen went white.  
“I was joking.” He yelped. John grinned.  
“Who’s going to sit on someone’s lap?” asked Ianto.  
“You can sit on my lap.” Replied John. Owen, Gwen, and Jack all put on their seat belts. Tosh smiled at Ianto and reached for hers.  
“Fine.” Ianto sighed. 5 minutes later another call came through from UNIT.  
“Why did you hang up last time?” demanded the major.   
“We had an incident. It’s been resolved now.” Stated Jack.  
“Fine. Your next test is to define… :manipulate.” Replied the major.  
“John.” Blurted out Owen. Everyone burst out laughing, except the major.  
“Is that your answer?” asked the major.   
“No.” stated Jack.  
“Ooh, can I answer?” asked John happily.  
“As long as you’re serious.” Replied Ianto.  
“Cool, to influence or managed shrewdly or deviously. To falsify for personal gain.” Answered John. Owen grinned.  
“And the medical term: to handle, move. As in a dislocated shoulder.” He stated.  
“Fine.” Replied the major. “I’ll get back to you.” The major hung up.  
“What a cheery bloke.” Stated John sarcastically.


	23. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the definitions myself!!!! Yay! Please note this is based 2 days after the last fic, it’s not clear in at the start.

Time- 1. A way to track changes  
2\. a catalogue of experiences  
3\. an undefinable source of power which can’t be stopped or changed

“Why is he staying?” asked Owen bluntly.  
“HE just saved your life, bit of respect please.” Replied John.  
“Ok. Where is he staying?” asked Owen. Again directed at Jack. Jack shrugged, not really listening.  
“The cells?” asked Owen hopefully.  
“Owen, be nice.” Stated Tosh.  
“He’s staying with me.” Ianto spoke up. Shocking them both. “I have a spare room, unlike either of you.” He explained.  
“Who said anything about a spare room.” Smirked John.   
“Me.” Stated Ianto crisply, handing out the coffees.  
“And me.” Added Jack.  
“Possessive much.” Muttered John.  
“Mine.” Pouted Jack. Wrapping his arms around Ianto. And then the phone went off. Jack sighed.  
“Well we did get two days free.” He stated; answering the phone.  
“Hello Torchwood. UNIT has thought hard about your next test and has given you one no one has managed before.” Said the major smugly.   
“Five pounds it’s time.” Murmured Ianto. Owen nodded.  
“Fifty.” He stated. Ianto smiled.  
“You need to define… Time.” Ordered the major. Ianto put his hand out. Owen groaned and placed a fifty note in it. Ianto grinned.  
“There’s three: A way to track changes, a catalogue of experiences, an undefinable source of power which can’t be stopped or changed.” He replied.  
“Oh.” The end tone rang out.


	24. Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah like it was going to be easy, this one is a bit before everything else but still with the definitions. last of the five.

Three days had past. Slowly. So something had to happen, this is Torchwood after all.

That sound. Ianto hated that sound. More than he hated Gwen, or Jack flirting. It meant that Jack was going, that he was leaving. It was weird. Alien. Every Torchwood instinct in him was telling him to grab and detain the alien. Every emotional instinct was telling him to shoot the grinning idiot. Instead he schooled his features and offered to get Jack.

“That would be great. Thanks.” The doctor bounded over to the sofa. Sitting down he tucked into the pizza on the table. Jack and Ianto’s pizza. Ianto sighed and walked over to the stairs up to Jack’s office. Jack burst out.  
“Yani, can I have a hot chocolate? With marshmallows?” asked Jack hopefully.  
“Sir, you have a visitor.” Replied Ianto crisply.  
“What have I told you about calling me sir.” Jack caught sight of the Doctor. Jack grinned.  
“Doctor!” Jack bounded over to him and grabbed him in a huge hug. “Why are you here?” he asked.  
“Can’t I just visit a friend without the world ending?” replied the Doctor. Jack raised an eyebrow. “The TARDIS kicked me out.” He answered truthfully.  
“Sorry about the wait. I was on the phone to UNIT. Another test. Ianto, define life.” Jack smirked. Ianto frowned.   
“No one has ever done that while pleasing everyone sir.” He replied. It was Jack’s turn to frown.  
“Well work it out then.” He ordered. Ianto nodded and walked over to the kitchen area.   
Handing out the drinks, Ianto asked whether he should call the others in.  
“Nar. Let them sleep.” Was Jack’s quick reply. Before turning his attention back to the doctor. Ianto walked away again.  
“What’s with you and him?” asked the Doctor suddenly.  
“Nothing.” Replied Jack.  
“Well you should take him up. He likes you.” Stated the Doctor. Jack smiled.  
“Why do you think I hired him. I needed one of my team to like me.” The doctor sighed.  
“Sorry to sound like a school girl but he like likes you.” Jack grinned.  
“I know.” He stated.  
“Then take him up. Take him out, treat him. ‘Cause, while as bad as I am with emotions, I believe he loves you.” Replied the Doctor. “And before you ask; I’m taken.”  
“Might take you up on that offer.” Responded Jack, looking at Ianto. Ianto spotted this and walked over.  
“Would you like the definitions now sir?” he asked.  
“That and for you to stop calling me sir.” Jack replied. Ianto smiled.  
“Ok, at number one: the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth, metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment. Two: the period of animate existence of an individual. Three: the principle of the existence of a soul. Finally: the universal condition of intelligent existence.”


	25. Drama

“Where’s Ianto?” asked Jack. Owen looked over.  
“Somewhere which isn’t here.” He stated. Jack frowned.  
“Not helpful Owen. Tosh do you know?” asked Jack.   
“No, sorry.” Tosh mumbled. “Do you want me to look up his position?” she questioned.   
“Please.” Answered Jack, hurrying over to Tosh’s work station. Tosh pattered away on her keyboard. A map of Cardiff panned out on the screen.   
“He’s not in Cardiff.” Stated Tosh. She frowned, and pattered on her keyboard some more. A map of the world came up. It quickly zoomed in on the British Isles, then on Wales, South Wales…  
“Newport? What’s the Tea-boy doing in Newport?” asked Owen loudly.  
“Where in Newport?” asked Jack.  
“Umm… St. Martin’s Church.” Replied Tosh. Jack frowned.  
“Ianto isn’t religious.” Jack started to the cog door. “Page the route to the SUV. I’m going to see what he’s up to.”  
“Trust problems Boss?” asked Owen. Jack span round.  
“No, just worried.” Owen sighed.   
“I’m coming with you, make sure you don’t do something stupid.” He stated, walking to the cog door. Jack stared.  
“Just admit it, you’re worried too.” Replied Jack.  
“Never!” retorted Owen.  
“Be safe!” called Tosh over her shoulder. 

The journey was made in silence. Neither man wanted to speak first, even Tosh was silent even though the comms were connected. Jack turned into a road. Cars were parked all the way down the road. The church sat proudly half way down the road. Owen frowned.   
“Doesn’t look out of the ordinary. Could have just gone to a service.”   
“Still worried.” replied Jack gruffly. Owen sighed.  
“Well if we’re going to ‘save’ the Tea-boy then we best get on with it.” retorted Owen swinging out of the SUV. Jack followed quickly followed suite and rushed up to the church. music was faintly coming out of the church. Owen held Jack back.  
“Let’s just slide into the back and not make a great scene about it.” Jack grinned and slammed the double oak doors open. Silence rang over the church, every ones’ head   
swung to face Jack. Ianto’s head collided with the organ he had been playing. The resulting discord echoed in the silent.   
“I don’t know him.” muttered Owen, sliding into the church.  
“Neither do I.” agreed Ianto, both their voices carrying in the silent church.  
“What, is that a not good?” asked Jack loudly, frowning.  
“A bit not good,” agreed Ianto lifting his head from the organ’s keyboard. “Let’s finish the play. Jack, sit SILENTLY, at the back please.” He promptly restarted the piece and the children on the stage, after a bit of giggling and shuffling, restarted the scene.

“So… That was a not good.” Jack stated, almost questioningly. Ianto nodded, walking straight past Jack and over to a middle aged mother who was trying to control her two children.   
“Hey rascals, be good to your mum and I may buy you something in town.” the two children nodded.   
“Uncle Ianto, how expensive?” asked the elder of the two. Ianto smiled.  
“That depends what you want.” he stated. The two children began to bicker over what video game they would have Ianto by them.  
“You spoil them, Yan.” lectured the woman. Ianto grinned sheepishly.  
“Hey have you met my work colleagues, Owen and Jack.” he waved to each one in turn.   
“So you do know them.” teased Ianto’s sister, “Hi I’m Rhiannon, but most call me Rhi. It’s nice to finally meet someone from Yan’s life; he can be such a secretive sod sometimes.”  
“Yeah, could have told me where you were.” complained Jack. Ianto groaned.  
“I did tell you Jack; twice last night and I left a post it note on your desk. I think this is the reason I don’t take any holiday, the place would fall apart.” He replied. Jack smirked,  
“I was preoccupied last night.” Ianto rolled his eyes.  
“Can’t argue about the post it note though.” He retorted.  
“Guys; before you have a full blown domestic and I gouge my eyes out; Tosh needs us back at the hub.” input Owen.   
“My day off, call me in if it an absolute emergency only.” Ianto walked over to his family who were by their car.

“So you and Jack then?” Rhi teased “You’ve got good taste, could have told me you were gay though.” Ianto groaned.  
“You’re never going to let this one go will you.” Moaned Ianto.  
“Never!” agreed Rhi.  
“Curse you Jack, You’re an idiot.”


	26. Baked Beans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE- This is kind of a one-shot from my other story; The day my life changed. Also a Torchwood fic, J is not an OC it is Jack. Also in this one Ianto is The Master and The Doctor’s child they don’t appear in this but it does explain Ianto’s intelligence. I hate beans personally so was happy when 11 said that… I could finally beat my brother on that argument.

“Um. Hello?” Questioned the 15year old boy, whose room the rift had dumped the Torchwood team in.  
“Hello.” replied Jack. the 15 year old turned to the boy sitting on the bed.  
“See J. Perfect reason.” J nodded.   
“But not my fault.” he replied.  
“Yes it is.” stated the boy.  
“No it isn’t.” replied J, seemingly distracted.  
“Yes it is.” repeated the boy.  
“No…” J was cut off by Jack holding his arms between them.  
“Shush. It’s no one’s fault. A thing called the rift…”  
“Yes, see it was the rift Ianto!” interrupted J.  
“No J, it was you.” replied Ianto the younger.  
“Hey, you two have the same name!” exclaimed Owen, pointing at the two.  
“Hay is for horses.” they replied at the same time.  
“Oh great, Paradoxes are fun.” responded Jack.  
“Excuse me?” asked Tosh timidly. Ianto the younger turned around.  
“Yes?” he inquired.  
“Do you know what these parts are?” she asked pointing the amalgamation of a machine taking up most of the small bedroom.   
“Yes, those are the parts to my part completed time machine. The problem itself. Data, what are the stats?” he asked. A screen slid from the wall and hovered in front of the time machine. Numbers scrolled on the screen at an alarming rate.  
“The coil feedback it destroyed and the secondary coil id damaged.” the computer stated in a metallic voice.   
“See J, YOUR fault. Thanks Data.” the screen slid back into the wall.  
“What’s the problem?” asked Jack.  
“J here damaged the console and it ripped the rift open a little and you lot came through.” Stated Ianto the younger.  
“And how do you ‘damage’ a time machine?” asked Owen snidely. J cringed.  
“J split baked beans on it.” the two boys grinned and looked at each other.   
“Beans are evil. Bad bad beans.” they stated in unison.


	27. Monopoly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No Gwen Bashing for a while. Sorry, still hate her but I thought it was dragging a bit. It will come back soon don’t worry.

“Ianto quick, he’s at Piccadilly!” called Jack.  
“But I’m all the way on Pall Mall. How am I meant to help?” replied Ianto.   
“I can’t help.” Piped up Tosh, “I’m all the way on Euston Road.”  
“Then maybe he’ll be caught by the police?” asked Jack hopefully.  
“No chance. He’s already on Bond Street.” replied Ianto.   
“I’ll try catch him. I’m on Fleet Street. Damn, sorry guys I’m in Jail.” called Jack.  
“Well too late now, he’s already on Mayfair.” responded Tosh.  
“No! He’s going to build a Hotel.” called Ianto.  
“We’re doomed!” cried Jack.

Guys. You’re taking this far too seriously. It’s only a board game.” interrupted Owen. Placing the small red cube on the box labelled ‘Mayfair’.   
“Well you would say that. You’re winning.” whined Jack. Silence.  
“Did you know that monopoly has the highest AE rate of any board game.” stated Ianto in a neutral voice, breaking the silence.  
“You’re joking right.” Replied Owen shiftily.  
“No. And it isn’t not a threat.” he replied in the same dangerously neutral voice. Owen removed the hotel from Mayfair.


	28. Compfy Chairs

“Hello Torchwood Team!” called the Master, strolling through the cog door.  
“Hi Dad.” called Ianto from the kitchen. Jack rush out of his office.  
“How did you get in?” he asked.  
“Sonic Screwdriver.” replied the Master offhandedly, using the said tool to study some of the tech Torchwood had out. “You’ve labelled this as a piece of art. It is in fact a construction tool, specifically a demolition bomb from the Vulcans. What a weird lot they are.” He stated calmly. Tosh quickly rushed to get it into a container.  
“He’s joking Tosh, the Vulcan’s are renowned for their love of rules and terrible poetry. Their art isn’t up too much either so they couldn’t have created that. Plus it has no power source.” interrupted Ianto  
“Spoilsport.” moaned the Master. Ianto rolled his eyes.  
“Where’s the Doctor?” asked Jack.  
“Jumping up and down in the middle of the plaza. Let the lift down Jack.” Responded Ianto. Jack pressed a few buttons on his wrist strap and the lift started to descend. Minus the Doctor. “Please say he’ll wait.” muttered Ianto.  
“Why? What else would he do?” asked Owen sarcastically.  
“This.” retorted The Master. The Doctor jumped, onto the descending lift, landing in a heap.  
“Ow.” he pouted once the lift had stopped.  
“I was coming up for you dad.” Said Ianto helping the Doctor up. The Doctor pointed at the Master.  
“He stole my Sonic Screwdriver!” whined the Doctor. Ianto snorted.  
“He stole your TARDIS last time.” he murmured. The Master grinned.  
“So my child.” he said proudly. The Doctor whined again.  
“Give my Screwdriver back!” he yelled.  
“Nope.” stated the Master, popping the ‘p’.  
“Give it.” he yelled again.  
“Dad! Both of you! Be quiet!” called Ianto. The Doctor and the Master looked guilty. “Dad,” said Ianto looking at the Master. “Give him his screwdriver back.” the Master handed the tool back to its original owner with a sulky expression on his face. “And dad.” Ianto turned to the Doctor. “Don’t rise to him. If you react; he will only continue to tease you.” the Doctor nodded sullenly. Ianto smiled, “Carry on.” Jack turned to Ianto.   
“You’re the sensible one in the family, aren’t you?” he questioned.  
“Look! Comfy Chairs!” called the Doctor.  
“OMG! SO cool!” was the reply from the Master.  
“Yes, Yes I am.” answered Ianto.


	29. Paperwork

Jack was ‘doing’ his paperwork. So far he had filled in two forms, one report, fielded a call from UNIT, made 7 paper aeroplanes, played two pranks on Owen and had thoroughly annoyed Ianto, who had then promptly barred Jack from leaving his office till all the reports and forms were filled out. Without coffee.

Now both bored and in caffeine-withdrawal Jack decided to take artifacts out of his vault and fiddling with them. It was one of these such fiddlings when an artifact, which was believed to be a hair dryer, threw Jack out of his office, through his closed glass door, and into the railing outside of his office.

Jack gasped back into life. Clutching Ianto’s arms like a life rope.   
“How long…?” Jack croaked. Ianto shushed him.   
“It’s ok, just remain calm. It’s ok.” he soothed.  
“About 3 hours, mate.” replied Owen from his position by Jack’s legs. He was mostly hidden by Ianto’s body which was pretty much across Jack’s chest.   
“What happened?” asked Jack try to crane his neck to look around Ianto who immediately moved to block his view.  
“Yeah, about that boss, I wouldn’t recommend it. I have to say you must have been pretty desperate to get out of your paperwork. I mean there is desperate, which is what I am most of the time, then you’ve gone too far, far too far. Suicide is definitely more than a couple of steps too far mate, I think you’ll be sleeping on the couch for a few weeks for the worry you put Ianto through.” Owen rambled. Ianto smiled weakly.  
“So, what happened.” Jack pressed. “I’m fine now so let me up.” Ianto grabbed Jack’s shoulders forcing Jack back down. Owen huffed.  
“You were thrown straight into the railing, it kinda cut you completely in half.” he explained. “That’s the medical diagnostic anyway.” Jack’s eyes grew wide.  
“Funny joke Owen now let me up.” he sniped trying to kick Owen, freaking out when his legs didn’t respond. “Get off me Ianto.” Pushing at the younger man who was unsuccessfully trying to both pin Jack and keep him calm.   
“Tosh, hurry up with that sedative will you.” called Owen. Jack upped his attempts to escape. Tosh ran over to the three men with a needle in her hands. Which Owen promptly stuck into Jack’s arm. He gave a sigh of relief when Jack went limp. “You ok? he asked Ianto, who nodded half-heartedly.   
“Now we just need to give that idea of a way to get out of doing paperwork to Gwen.” he muttered. “At least she won’t come back.”


	30. Guitar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It isn’t my song, it belongs to Phineas and Ferb on the Disney Channel. This is my first attempt at a song fic, please tell me what you thought, if you don’t like it I will never do one ever again, if you do like it send me a song name and I’ll look it up on YouTube and write a fic on it.

“What’s that sound?” asked Tosh.  
“Sounds like music.” replied Owen, cocking his head, listening to the faint sound.  
“From the archives?” questioned Tosh dubiously.   
“Right, let’s investigate.” Owen stood up to the entrance to the archives. Tosh followed quickly.

After an hour of searching they came across the source of the sound.  
“What..” Owen was cut off by Jack, grabbing him. The music faltered. They all held their breath, satisfied the music started again.  
“They don’t know I’m here.” Jack whispered.  
“Explain.” murmured Tosh.  
“It’s a very special instrument. As you can see, it plays itself.” answered Jack quietly.  
“What about Ianto? Is it controlling him?” Owen asked in the same tone.   
“No, but he can certainly sing.” replied Jack.  
“And you just listening?” murmured Tosh.  
“Yeah, just listen.” whispered Jack.

\---

When I was a boy down in South Illinois   
I heard a man playing blues what a wonderful noise.   
He had an old guitar but not a dollar to his name.   
Making music so sad but he was happy just the same.   
He gave me a wink and said son let me share the news.   
If you want a happy life you've got to learn to sing the blues.   
I asked my daddy for a guitar I begged and I plead.   
I said I wanted to play the blues and he just nodded his head.   
Daddy said when he was my age boogie-woogie was the thing.   
Just take the blues a round trip and add a little swing.   
Music has the power that without it he'd have sworn that he'd have never had met my mom and I wouldn't have been born.   
So what's this?   
This is psychedelia   
It's where the guitar solo came from   
No I mean what with all the colors   
I have no idea 

I kept learning all the powers my guitar had   
I made it go walka-walka till it was so good it was bad.   
Just make a face and stop that face you can make that rhythm pump.   
So this is the blues just in a way that makes you want to shake your rump.   
I can make you clap your hands. I can make you do a dance.   
If you want to shake your booty my friend you've got to give the funk a chance. 

Metal!   
Pound your fist in the air!   
Metal!   
Wave your head full of hair!   
It's crunchy and it's nasty full of bad attitude.   
Your parents will think you're crazy!   
Your neighbors will think you're rude!   
Believe it or not it's all the blues again!   
You just add a little fuss and turn your amp up to ten!   
Music has the power to change your life FOREVER!

\---

The music paused a moment before starting again.  
“Oh and by the way Jack.” Ianto interrupted. “I can hear you whispering and it’s upsetting Guitar.”   
“Guitar?” asked Jack, coming out of the shadows.  
“Yeah, it seemed an appropriate name. Now if you don’t mind. You have paperwork to do.” ordered Ianto turning back to the files he was ordering while singing.  
“Yes boss.” stropped Jack. Walking off dragging Tosh and Owen behind him.  
“Come on Guitar. Ignore them they’re just being silly.” Ianto said to the instrument, which strummed a bit then started another song.  
“One more.” warned Ianto and then he started singing.


	31. Candle Stick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really short just was in my head.

“It was definitely the Slitheen.” stated Owen. “With a laser blaster.”  
“No it was with the candle stick.” argued Jack.  
“I’m the doctor here. Wait! What? A candle stick?” asked Owen incredulously.  
“Yeah, see.” stated Jack holding up the metal candle stick.

“Okay. Ianto! Jack believes it was the candle stick.” Owen called across the hub. Ianto walked over and picked up the small envelope.   
“Who do you say the culprit is? and the location?” asked Ianto.  
“The Slitheen, in Cardiff.” stated Jack proudly.  
“He’s correct.” answered Ianto.   
“But a candle stick. In alien cludeo. Seriously!” Exclaimed Owen.


	32. Clocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another in the Master's Son verse.

“Are you sure this is where you tracked it to?” asked Jack. Ianto shot him a side glance.  
“Positive, look at that rift energy spike. Completely localized to this spot.” Ianto passed him the PDA. Jack passed it back without looking.   
“But it’s a clock shop.” stated Jack.  
“Fully aware of that, thank you Jack.” Ianto replied, pushing the door of the shop open.

“May I help you?” came a silky smooth voice from behind the counter.  
“Bilis!” Jack spun around pointing his gun at the old man.   
“Don’t shoot!” Ianto cried out. Jack stared at him and cocked his weapon to demonstrate his feelings on that statement. Bilis doubled over laughing, clutching at his sides. The perception filter failed revealing the phony Bilis to be the Master.  
“You should have seen your faces!” The Master choked out as he broke out laughing again.   
“Dad! Jack almost shot you and everyone knows he is already looking for an excuse. Behave!” lectured Ianto. The Master stuck out his tongue. Jack looked at the Master then his son then back again.   
“How…? What …? Why…?” He trailed off. Ianto smiled knowingly.  
“Time lords. It’s best you don’t ask.” Ianto answered the unfinished question. Jack sighed and hung his head in defeat.  
“And you’re meant to be the parent. What has my life come to?” he asked rhetorically.


End file.
